Oct 28, 2007
Oct 20, 2007
Oct 16, 2007
2 Nights in a Row
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Oct 15, 2007
Oct 14, 2007
Oct 13, 2007
Ask a Disney Princess
What Is Chlamydia?
Snow White: Chlamydia is a lot like swallowing a poisoned apple transformed through magic by a witch. Except, instead of a poisoned apple, it’s more like bacteria living on dirty dwarf cock.
Cinderella: The Chlamydia bacteria can grow in the throat, vagina, penis, or absolutely anywhere on that whore “Sleeps-Around Beauty.” Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Aurora.
Pocahontas: Chlamydia is the only thing I still have from John Smith.
What Are The Symptoms?
Jasmine: I noticed an increased difficulty riding a camel. I remember the pain and swelling. I was so embarrassed I told people I had sand in my crotch.
Belle: The symptoms are subtle so they can be hard to detect. For me, it was a searing vaginal pain when being mounted by an enormous beast, but in a different, bad way.
Ariel: My Chlamydia makes Prince Eric have sex with men. At least, he says that’s why.How Do You Get It?
Snow White: I’m not a scientist so I can only guess, but I think the smart money is on doing the rusty trombone with Happy.Jasmine: Chlamydia was invented by Jews.Ariel: I got it playing a game I like to call “Finding Nemo.”How Do You Treat It?
Cinderella: Bag the pumpkin coach and use that wish for a clean snatch. Then just hoof it home from the ball. Ariel: Ask your dad to zap you some new legs.Snow White: Doc insisted the only cure was a strict two week regimen of dwarf “back door.”What Are The Effects If Left Untreated?
Cinderella: No one will be friends with you except maybe that tramp, Aurora.Pocahontas: Your movie will be only a mild success, your people will be slaughtered in the millions, and Disney will be forced to hire dark-skinned Latinas to portray you at their amusement parks. Belle: Your man will lose most of his hair and shrink dramatically in size, leaving you perpetually dissatisfied.
Oct 12, 2007
Ways to look like a tool!
 | 1. backwards Do you play catcher for a major league ball club? Minor league? Local softball team? No? Then don't do this. |
 | 2. oakley blades Your Tour de France riding days are over, pal. |
 | 3. bluetooth headset 1. Trust us, you're not that important. |
 | 4. gold necklace Rap moguls, NBA stars, and Mr. T excluded. Some white guy from the 'burbs, nuh uh. |
 | 5. tommy bahama shirt When in Hawaii, this is OK. In the upper 49, toolbag. |
 | 6. national review magazine In close association with bad style, bad politics. |
 | 7. belt-clipped cell phone Scream "I am a middle manager!" a little louder. The guy across the street didn't hear you. |
 | 8. "cause" wristband Exceptions made if you or immediate family member is battling various wristband maladies. Otherwise, grab a scissors. |
 | 9. over-the-knee, double-pleated shorts Two things wrong here: |
 | 10. crocs The Zubaz of the '00s. Here's a good rule to live by: Never wear the same shoes as your 5-year-old nephew. |
Oct 11, 2007
Meet: Droopy
And some big fucking holes in his face.He looks like Droopy!
LOL I didnt realize until after I chose droopy that they have they same color of hair!
The Geography of the Sexes
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick
Oct 10, 2007
Dying Wish of a 15 Year Old
Dear Make-A-Wish Foundation:
My name is Billy Cavender, and I am fifteen-years-old. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Acute lymphocytic leukaemia, a cancer of the white blood cells. My disease has progressed swiftly, and has already affected my bloodstream and many of my vital organs. I have been told that my condition is terminal.
My parents are in complete shock over the news of my impending death and they spend a lot of time crying and hugging me. It seems a cruel fate to have my life taken away from me at such an early age. But I accept God's decision, and I am doing my best to cherish every living day that I have left on this Earth.
When I heard about your organization, I was excited! I have read so much about how you helped grant other young people their one true wish, the one achievable goal they could obtain before passing away from a life-draining condition. I thought perhaps you could take the time to consider my simple request, so that when I die, I will have left this Earth fulfilled, having lived each day to its fullest.
I only hope that you will read my letter and be able to help me with my small wish, the one and only thing I would wish for before the cancer robs me of my precious existence.
You see good people of the Foundation, all my life, I have dreamed of the opportunity of participating in a threesome. Yes, Make-A-Wish Foundation, before I die, I wish to have sex with two women at the same time.
Now, since I am only a fifteen-year-old with terminal cancer, I have not had a chance to live the way most teenagers do. With my deteriorating condition, I've never kissed a girl, and therefore I haven't had the chance to have sex with one woman, let alone two!
All of my guy friends have tried and tried and tried without success to get a second woman to engage in a sexual act where there is already one woman involved. This wish that you would grant me would make the envy of my peers, where before all I got was their pity. And I will die happy, knowing that I was able to participate in a sexual act with multiple partners, in this case two (at the very same time).
I don't see where this would be a problem to you and your atruistic people, knowing what amazing resources you have at your disposal. I read about the young girl with leukemia who got to skydive for the very first time, and I read about the burn victim boy who got to play ice hockey with his idol, Wayne Gretzky. I even read about the visually-impaired girl who got to go to Disneyworld.
Now if you can send a blind kid to Florida, my request for group sex shouldn't be that hard to fulfill. The girls in my threesome don't even have to be pretty, although that would be a plus. It wouldn't even need to cost your organization any money--you could probably get a couple of the volunteers to jump into bed with me, as long as it was two and not only one. I'm sure there are some adventurous foundation staff members that would jump at the chance to serve and service a young man desiring to be intimate with a couple of girls at once.
What about about other Make-a-wishers? There must be other needy people out there who could help, while fulfilling their own wishes. Maybe there are a couple of twin sisters in Dubuque, Iowa with brain tumours, whose only wish was to make it with a teenage cancer victim. You could check your database.
Damn it Make-A-Wish, I'm a horny teen who only wants to get fucked by two chicks at the same time! How hard can that be? Just send me the money, and I'll hire a couple of sympathetic hookers to do it. You can tell the foundation executives you spent the money on a Sony Playstation II! Yah, that's it. My only wish is for my very own console gaming system!
I'm sorry, the chemotherapy leaves me weakened and emotional, so I tend to lash out. Please forgive my outbursts--the sickened cries of a sexually-inexperienced young man on his last leg of life.
So please, Make-A-Wish, I hope you consider my request, the request of a dying teen who has never felt the intimate touch of two women simultaneously.
Bobby Cavender
Yes, Father?
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customsfor me? Under your robes perhaps?""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,Father."Next."
Wtf of the day?
LIVINGSTON, TX - A prisoner on Texas' death row was released today after prison officials failed to produce enough documentation to keep him behind bars. The prisoner, known as 'Old Joe', is thought to have been on death row since the 1950's, although no records of his trial, conviction or appeals could be found in prison archives.
"He's been here as long as anyone can remember." said Milton Jenkins, assistant warden of the prison. "Then a couple of weeks ago he asked the administration department why he was here, and nobody knew. That started the record search that came up empty."
'Old Joe' claims he can't remember his real name or why he was sent to death row. "They've been calling me 'Old Joe' for as long as I can remember. I just got used to it." he said. "I'm sure I'm innocent of whatever they sent me here for. I'm just a harmless old man."
Prison officials can confirm that Joe has not had any visitors or court appearances since 1971, when records were converted to microfiche. "It's possible he exhausted all his appeals prior to '71, but we don't have any record of ever receiving an execution order either." said Jenkins. "He may have gotten a pardon for all we know."
When asked about his plans for his newly acquired freedom, Joe replied: "I'm headed back to Houston to take care of some unfinished business. Then I'm moving to Canada."
"He's been here as long as anyone can remember." said Milton Jenkins, assistant warden of the prison. "Then a couple of weeks ago he asked the administration department why he was here, and nobody knew. That started the record search that came up empty."
'Old Joe' claims he can't remember his real name or why he was sent to death row. "They've been calling me 'Old Joe' for as long as I can remember. I just got used to it." he said. "I'm sure I'm innocent of whatever they sent me here for. I'm just a harmless old man."
Prison officials can confirm that Joe has not had any visitors or court appearances since 1971, when records were converted to microfiche. "It's possible he exhausted all his appeals prior to '71, but we don't have any record of ever receiving an execution order either." said Jenkins. "He may have gotten a pardon for all we know."
When asked about his plans for his newly acquired freedom, Joe replied: "I'm headed back to Houston to take care of some unfinished business. Then I'm moving to Canada."
Oct 9, 2007
Team Fortress 2 Drops today!
I've been playing this game for a couple weeks but the final build is released tonight! You can either buy it off Steam or at Wal-Mart at midnight. If you don't like either of those options hit up Best Buy in the morning!
I've been playing both this and Halo 3. For some odd reason this game has been getting more play. It is a great month for video games. To think, Grand Theft Auto was supposed to come out Oct 16 too!
Oct 8, 2007
Monday Night Football
That was the most fun to watch MNF game in a long time. 5 Romo interceptions and 1 fumble against an offense so impotent that they couldn't score any offensive TDs. Terrance McGee took the ball 103 yards, the returned 2 of those INTs for Touchdowns!
Now if you can't laugh about this. The fans in the city of Buffallo have to feel like they did after all those Super Bowls that they lost to Dallas!
Now if you can't laugh about this. The fans in the city of Buffallo have to feel like they did after all those Super Bowls that they lost to Dallas!
Read
First Post, I'll make it entertaining.
Can you spot the funny? Got any other
this girl got this tattoo for 10,000 dollars to put here daughter in private school for 2 years.... worth it? you decide.... somehow id bet she was never accepted at that school.
Maybe Dina Lohan is mother of the year? She raised her kids with the morals of a bookie.
no car seat^^^
Thankfully she doesnt have this kid any more. Look mommy is teaching me to drive!!! Britney didnt even have a license at the time!!!!
umm yea??
They see me rolllin, they hating.....
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