Oct 16, 2007
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Oct 14, 2007
Oct 13, 2007
What Is Chlamydia?
Snow White: Chlamydia is a lot like swallowing a poisoned apple transformed through magic by a witch. Except, instead of a poisoned apple, it’s more like bacteria living on dirty dwarf cock.
Cinderella: The Chlamydia bacteria can grow in the throat, vagina, penis, or absolutely anywhere on that whore “Sleeps-Around Beauty.” Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Aurora.
Pocahontas: Chlamydia is the only thing I still have from John Smith.
What Are The Symptoms?Jasmine: I noticed an increased difficulty riding a camel. I remember the pain and swelling. I was so embarrassed I told people I had sand in my crotch.
Belle: The symptoms are subtle so they can be hard to detect. For me, it was a searing vaginal pain when being mounted by an enormous beast, but in a different, bad way.
Ariel: My Chlamydia makes Prince Eric have sex with men. At least, he says that’s why.
How Do You Get It?Snow White: I’m not a scientist so I can only guess, but I think the smart money is on doing the rusty trombone with Happy.
Jasmine: Chlamydia was invented by Jews.
Ariel: I got it playing a game I like to call “Finding Nemo.”
How Do You Treat It?Cinderella: Bag the pumpkin coach and use that wish for a clean snatch. Then just hoof it home from the ball.
Ariel: Ask your dad to zap you some new legs.
Snow White: Doc insisted the only cure was a strict two week regimen of dwarf “back door.”
What Are The Effects If Left Untreated?Cinderella: No one will be friends with you except maybe that tramp, Aurora.
Pocahontas: Your movie will be only a mild success, your people will be slaughtered in the millions, and Disney will be forced to hire dark-skinned Latinas to portray you at their amusement parks.
Belle: Your man will lose most of his hair and shrink dramatically in size, leaving you perpetually dissatisfied.
Oct 12, 2007
Do you play catcher for a major league ball club? Minor league? Local softball team? No? Then don't do this.
Your Tour de France riding days are over, pal.
1. Trust us, you're not that important.
Rap moguls, NBA stars, and Mr. T excluded. Some white guy from the 'burbs, nuh uh.
tommy bahama shirt
When in Hawaii, this is OK. In the upper 49, toolbag.
national review magazine
In close association with bad style, bad politics.
belt-clipped cell phone
Scream "I am a middle manager!" a little louder. The guy across the street didn't hear you.
Exceptions made if you or immediate family member is battling various wristband maladies. Otherwise, grab a scissors.
over-the-knee, double-pleated shorts
Two things wrong here:
The Zubaz of the '00s. Here's a good rule to live by: Never wear the same shoes as your 5-year-old nephew.