You Laugh, You Lose!

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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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glumbert - Muslim rave party sensation

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Even when you are having a really bad day, someone will still screw you!

Yuppy

What Is Chlamydia?

Snow White: Chlamydia is a lot like swallowing a poisoned apple transformed through magic by a witch. Except, instead of a poisoned apple, it’s more like bacteria living on dirty dwarf cock.

Cinderella: The Chlamydia bacteria can grow in the throat, vagina, penis, or absolutely anywhere on that whore “Sleeps-Around Beauty.” Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Aurora.

Pocahontas: Chlamydia is the only thing I still have from John Smith.

What Are The Symptoms?

Jasmine: I noticed an increased difficulty riding a camel. I remember the pain and swelling. I was so embarrassed I told people I had sand in my crotch.

Belle: The symptoms are subtle so they can be hard to detect. For me, it was a searing vaginal pain when being mounted by an enormous beast, but in a different, bad way.

Ariel: My Chlamydia makes Prince Eric have sex with men. At least, he says that’s why.

How Do You Get It?

Snow White: I’m not a scientist so I can only guess, but I think the smart money is on doing the rusty trombone with Happy.

Jasmine: Chlamydia was invented by Jews.

Ariel: I got it playing a game I like to call “Finding Nemo.”

How Do You Treat It?

Cinderella: Bag the pumpkin coach and use that wish for a clean snatch. Then just hoof it home from the ball.

Ariel: Ask your dad to zap you some new legs.

Snow White: Doc insisted the only cure was a strict two week regimen of dwarf “back door.”

What Are The Effects If Left Untreated?

Cinderella: No one will be friends with you except maybe that tramp, Aurora.

Pocahontas: Your movie will be only a mild success, your people will be slaughtered in the millions, and Disney will be forced to hire dark-skinned Latinas to portray you at their amusement parks.

Belle: Your man will lose most of his hair and shrink dramatically in size, leaving you perpetually dissatisfied.